My children

It just dawned on my yesterday that I will only be around my children for 1/2 the time. I've cried a million tears. I knew this was true but it just hit my heart. So sad.

Too real...

Yesterday, my soon-to-be-ex and I went to check out an apartment for him. Why I went along? I had set up the appointment thinking he wouldn't be able to get off work but it turned out he could. So, I went because I set up the appointment and didn't want to look bad, just in case I needed to use this rental agency.

Anyhow, he liked the apartment and the price is right. He's completing the application process. Last night, we broke the news to our landlord of 9 years. I knew this day would come but it wasn't suppose to come so quickly. We had planned on staying in the house until July or August. Now, I might end up living with family. It sucks!

Good news is, I didn't hold his pillow last night and cry myself to sleep. I think I'm still in shock.

Another day...

There is a part of me that secretly hopes he is gay because for some reason I wouldn't feel as rejected as I do now. However, I know that is not the case; he just doesn't love me anymore. It's devastating to be rejected so deeply after 16 years together. The irony in it is that I don't love him anymore either. When we made the decision six weeks ago to get a divorce, it seemed like the perfect solution. We've been living together as friends/ roommates for several months now, only having sex maybe once a month. Since the decision, we've had sex three times; the last time was the absolute last time. He told me so after I poured my heart out to him and told him I still loved him and wanted to work it out. He told me he only had sex with me because I guilted him into it and that he was lonely. That day, my heart shattered into a million pieces and any passion or love I had left for him blew away in the wind with the left over slivers of my heart.

Now, I'm numb. I wake up each morning, take the kids to school, go to work, do my job, come home, and sit at the computer the rest of the night. As agreed, there's no fighting, no yelling, no anger; there hasn't been for years. We agreed to live in the house together until this summer, after the kids were out of school, once our oldest had graduated from high school. We agreed to live as friends. It's getting more and more challenging to do this, especially since we still share the same bed due to of lack of space.

I go through my days like a machine but at night, before he comes to bed, I wrap my arms around his pillow, close my eyes, let his smell travel through my senses, and wish none of this was happening. He caught me one night. I secretly hoped he would. He thought I had fallen asleep and that I had just spread out to keep him out of bed. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me he missed me, too and tell me he still wanted me. Instead, he woke me up and asked if I wanted him to sleep on the floor. I told him no, apologized, rolled over, and cried myself to sleep.

This has got to get easier, right?